don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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