Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
