Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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