Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
