I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
