i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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