I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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