im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
