Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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