Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
