Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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