trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
