I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
