THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i've created a new STD.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize