When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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