I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
porn star boner night. come get it.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
