We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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