I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
