just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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