Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
