This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize