If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
