My liver just broke up with me...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize