i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I can't put those talents on a resume
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
