he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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