she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
