Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
