my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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