what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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