I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
