Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
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