I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
