He asked to "fluff my boner.."
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
