I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize