Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
