I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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