I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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