this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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