You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
