It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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