when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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