Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
that's an acceptable place to lick
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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