i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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