made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Randomize
