You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
