She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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