just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
