I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
