Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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