I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
