I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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