dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i love accidental penises.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
