I showed him my bush... on skype.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
