super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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