Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
