I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
