Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
