he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
