***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
